April 6th’,06 . . . No foolin’ around (Cont.)
I sit here marveling at how swiftly life can change in a blink or a nod, leaving one sitting in the mud. My husband, OldeLar, passed-on five and a half years ago. I paid off all the bills, sold the farm and a fleet of vehicles, held two giant garage sales and finally put the large house in the four-acre wood lot on the market. That represents the period where I slugged through the mud. Two years ago, I moved into a cute little cape on a quarter acre. I’ve been sitting in the mud since then. I was 58 when OldeLar died, which means that I am now 62. Time is flying by over my head, and I can’t catch it. I’m so tired of this mud hole. I’ve prayed, cried, eaten, gone to doctors, and finally decided to stand up. You can hear the mud sucking on my hind end as I pull it out of the mire.
Today I’m on a new diet, starting a new blog website, joined a new young church, jumping into art quilts and looking for a house that meets my need for open space. I kept asking God, what am I here for . . . what am doing here ? Why am I alive ? The only answer that came to mind is something my middle son, Tim, told me. He said that I should enjoy the life that God gave me. From that I realized I could move. I’m in charge of me. No one else is telling me what I can or cannot do.
Something else surfaced. I have done so many things to elicit praise and acceptance from others. Some of those efforts have been quite fruitful, but even so, I need to move into a place and space where I simply express myself for no other purpose than to please myself. This may sounds very selfish, but in a deeper spiritual sense, I need to create for the simple joy of the process. In doing that, I will be fulfilling my God given mission and be a boon to the world around me.
And you’re here at the beginning of this new effort. Hang on, I’m sure it will be rollercoaster ride. Life has never failed me in that respect.
Jane
